


My Words Get In My Way

by Crowgirl



Series: Scars Remind Us [46]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Lying to Himself, Dean Trying to Think, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-17
Updated: 2012-07-17
Packaged: 2017-11-10 04:47:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/462344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crowgirl/pseuds/Crowgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ongoing discussion, and ramifications thereof, between Dean and Castiel about the after-effects of Hell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Words Get In My Way

XLVI.

It starts to become like a ritual. 

While Sam and Bobby argue over cross-references and variant readings, Dean will retreat upstairs with whatever stack of books they’ve decided it is vitally important for him to read in the next six hours. Sometime before midnight, there will be a tap on the door and Cas’ll be there.

Once he really did give Dean a backrub and Dean went from too tense to enjoy it to sacked-out asleep in about ten seconds. All he remembers is the feeling of Castiel’s thumbs sliding over his shoulderblades and then-- nothing.

Which is kinda unusual because his nights are normally more of the blood, sweat, and tears variety. 

The dreams have been getting worse -- which is maybe why Cas keeps showing up in a kindly but failing attempt to send him off to a dreamless sleep. 

It only worked once but Dean can’t bring himself to tell the angel it’s not working.

He knows -- reminds himself regularly in fact -- that there’s nothing special going on between them any more. Whatever this is it’s just -- not what it might have been half a year ago. And that hurts -- it hurts like _hell_ sometimes and Dean should know.

And that’s why it’s a totally normal, unremarkable thing for Cas to keep showing up in his room night after night and--- Dean isn’t even buying this himself.

Problem is, he’s got no idea what to do about it.

If he asked Cas to stay some night-- well, then what? The thought makes his heart race and his palms sweat and not in a good way. And if he tells Cas it isn’t doing any good and the nightmares are as bad as ever -- then Cas isn’t stupid. He’ll find something better to do with his time and Dean--

This is where the planning always collapses because Dean can’t stand to think beyond that point. If he tells Cas he isn’t making a difference, then Cas will stop knocking on his door, stop coming by and telling him stories, talking for hours in that low, rough voice, touching Dean’s hands, his feet, his shoulders so carefully, so gently that it makes Dean want to cry -- which he _doesn’t_ because he isn’t a fucking _girl._

But if Dean says it isn’t making things any better, Castiel will just...stop being there. 

And Dean doesn’t think he could stand that. He doesn’t know what the hell’s going on -- but he knows he wants to hear that quiet knock on the door, hear those endless stories, feel those careful hands, for as long as Castiel is willing to show up.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Epiphany," Staind, _The Singles 1996-2006_.


End file.
